Memories are made of….what?

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Having spent the long weekend at my childhood home, clearing out cupboards, draws and the loft, I’m not sure I know the answer to this question!

Maybe I’m even more confused about what memories are. Or maybe I’m totally clear, but it’s sometimes difficult to share with others who have differing opinions. What do you think?

I personally put in the bin, my parent’s 21st birthday cards, wedding invites, birthday invites for friends and masses of photographs. Just because I’ve binned them doesn’t mean that my Dad, (and late Mum), won’t have their memories will it?

Looking through the photographs, it brought back memories of holidays, birthdays, favourite clothes and all the wonderful things that make up my past. But just because I haven’t seen these things for years doesn’t mean that I’m not me does it?

So, yes, I was hard. A lot of ‘stuff’ got binned, recycled and given away. Is that wrong? Do you think it’s throwing memories away? Or are memories just that? Memories, in our heads and hearts?

It’s almost 3 years since my Mum died, and Dad is hoping to move house soon (just needs a buyer – anyone interested? Lovely village in Essex, easy commute to London, overlooks fields….oops! Digressing again!). The house has to be emptied, and he won’t need all the ‘stuff’ that’s in there. Do any of us? I know I throw things out a lot easier since clearing a lot of Mum’s things out.

I’m going to make up some books of my life, along with that of my parents, grandparents and family tree history. Not much, but some basics and photos over the years. Have you done anything similar?

So what are your memories made of? ‘Things’, or ‘stuff’ in your head?

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Encouraging vs Pushy. Does it make a difference to talent?

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Being a parent is a big responsibility. A parent is the closest role model a child will have.

Team winners at school cross country. My boys 1st & 3rd in school team

But not all parents of talented children are talented themselves. Some parents want their children to do things they didn’t have the opportunity to do.

So, do we encourage and nuture talents in our children? Or do we push them? Do we push them to do things they don’t want to do because we think it’s good for them? How do we know? We’re all different, and so are our children. They’re different from us. They have different skills and abilities. Different interests. They’re growing up in a different world to the one we grew up in.

I’ve written before about ‘football parents’. I don’t want to dwell on it, as we’ve met some lovely people through the football games the boys have played in. But we, as parents, haven’t encouraged them to continue playing football. We haven’t discouraged it, I guess we haven’t pushed either.

No.1 has just given up club football to start Scouts. He was a Cub, but it was on a different night of the week, so he could do both. But when the time came for him to move on he had to make the decision. We suggested he move to a different football club that trained on a different night, or even a different Scout group. But no. Scouts and more athletics sessions has won the day for him.

Coach wasn’t pleased. “He’s very talented, and if he gives up now he’ll be behind the others when he decides to do it again”, is what I was told. My response was, “He’s talented at all sports, and he plays football at school. This is his choice”. Like I said, we’re not sorry to have left the shouting from the sidelines behind. A lot of the shouting is not often encouraging. I feel it doesn’t allow the child to learn how to play the game themselves.

I’m dygressing!

I’m lucky or unlucky, to have 2 talented boys. They are fortunate that they don’t struggle at much in their lives, and seem to enjoy everything they do. The eldest recently went on a sports camp as the representative for his school as a ‘gifted and talented pupil’ for Year 6 pupils. The coach said of him, “X was one of only 2 year 5′s on the camp and if I’m totally honest I would say he was THE standout child that attended”. High praise, and we’re very proud of him. Copied directly from an email sent to his teacher

But does that now mean that we have to ‘push’ him to do things to use this talent that he’s displaying, or simply continue to encourage him to develop and do the things he wants to do? Should we be talking to professional coaches about his talent so that he can develop to his full potential? Or do we carry on encouraging and supporting him in his current club to do what he wants when he wants? Will he reach his potential through encouragement anyway? Is it just natural?

We’re not ones for bribing our children, but I will admit to offering a family day out in return for them taking part in a fun athletics competition in Manchester soon, instead of attending the school fair. We’re swapping a day of competition doing new activities in a new environment for 2 hours of sweet eating & bouncy castle fun with their friends. Are we wrong? Is that what being a pushy parent is? I have to say, they didn’t need much persuasion, so I’m not feeling guilty!

But going back to football for a second. If either boy wants to take up football again when they’re older they can, can’t they? Just because at 10 and 8 they’ve lost interest, doesn’t mean that if they’re talented and/or interested, they can’t play when they’re older? A lot of top sports people don’t pick up their sports until late teens anyway.

I feel I’m going on now, writing an essay! But I’m sure I’m not alone in wondering what the boundaries are? And do we cross them? Is that our decision as parents? Or do we take advice from teachers, coaches and specialist advisers about our children’s pathways through life?

Being an encouraging parent is what I hope I am, but I’m sure it’s a very fine line. I’m sure we parents would benefit from a “Coach the coaches” session, so we can encourage our children better through their chosen paths!

What do you think or do? Does it make a difference?

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I’m only human!

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I’ve had a bit of a wobble this last week, and I think I’ve surprised people by being open about it.

Everything was ganging up against me, and nothing felt like it was going right:

  • My husband has been poorly for almost a month, so I’ve been carrying the home as well as being extra busy with work, and not doing it to the standard I would like
  • Our holiday was very different because he wasn’t well, and I didn’t get as much rest as I’d hoped. So I’m still tired and in need of another one!
  • April just hasn’t happened with sales – the Easter holidays seem to have lasted most of the month, which always has a detrimental effect on people’s buying habits
  • I’ve spent most weekends in the last 2 months working – catching up, admin tasks, and trying to get the office tidy!

So on Sunday, after another weekend of not being at home in my garden, (one of my goals for this year is to grow more vegetables and we’ve hardly started), I sat in my office and wobbled. I could feel it bubbling up inside me & I knew it was irrational, and it was just the tiredness talking. But it was there. And I wanted to be told that it’d be OK! I wanted hugging and I wanted support.

I don’t think that’s so wrong? I don’t think people should be surprised, do you? We all need hugging and we all need support, whatever our circumstances or what we’re doing. Some of us need support for the caring role we play with our loved ones, often when they’re very ill. We need a break from the everyday tasks, and we often just need to take a step off the world for a short while whilst we take a deep breath and carry on.

I was soon back on track. Back to being “strong, invincible T-J”, the person people come to when they need support & motivation. I had lots of virtual hugs as well as kicks up the backside! Just one small post on Facebook & I got 11 responses over 2 days from some very busy people. I wasn’t angling for being told how wonderful I am, or what I do for others, but that’s what I got! It was even more support than I’d expected, or needed to put me back on track.

So next time you’re feeling like you need to take a step off the world, or you feel the world is against you, just message your friends – text, facebook, twitter, phone, whichever suits you. You know these people are in your circle for a reason. To support you and help you achieve your goals – personal or professional. It’s only human to doubt. Those gremlins that sit on our shoulders are real. I usually manage mine very well, but occasionally, when I’m tired and life is busy, they manage to crawl out of their cupboard and do their worst.

Surround yourself by supportive people, and those who can give you that kick, or hug, just when you need it. We’re all only human, but it’s how we manage ourselves that’s often challenging and the key to our success.

Thank you to those in my support group. I hope I can return the favour when you next need it!

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I’m not ready, but not sure I would ever be!

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Tomorrow is a big day for me. But I’m not ready for it.

I’ve known about it since January when I set my personal goals for the year. It’s been in my diary since then, and I’ve sort of being preparing for it. But I haven’t done enough.

These last few weeks I’ve been wondering whether to put it off, not do it. What would that

Are we ever ready for the next step?

achieve though? Continue reading →

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Year End – what’s it all about?

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So many people are talking about Year End at the moment, and it’s a pretty crucial part of most businesses. We’re being encouraged to top up ISAs and take advantage of offers before the new financial year starts.

This time of year, for me, is about a physical check of all my stockholding, and the opportunity to review the year’s sales and expenses. It’s a chance to step back from the business and look at the figures, as a check on the shape of the business. What’s doing well, what’s not so good. What areas need improving and developing.

I wrote 2 years ago about Taking Stock. I’d forgotten, but having just re-read it, I’m pretty happy with that assessment. I’ve been better at continually reviewing my business and my stock since then. Have you?

I’d also like to suggest that having a year end that is 3 months into the calendar year gives us a chance to properly review those goals we set ourselves at the start of the year. How do our figures match up against the expectations we set ourselves. What challenges have prevented us from achieving our goals, and what do we need to revise due to the new opportunities that have come our way since January?

A lot of us are having a break over the Easter holidays. I’m so looking forward to getting away from it all. Forgetting about the business, and personal stuff that’s happened that’s steered me a bit off course these last few months. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family, without my head in my laptop and phone for one whole week. That’s all! The world won’t end without my attention to it!

So, year end for me is about reflection, review and relaxation:

  • Review: Goals, aspirations, action plans. Review last year’s figures against expectations. Revise your goals and action plans for the rest of the year accordingly & set out your revised financial and business goals for the business year ahead.
  • Reflection: What’s gone well? What hurdles have you jumped, or fallen at? What have you enjoyed? What’s been tough? Being honest with ourselves isn’t easy, but it is important we do it. If we don’t add our reflections into our future goals we won’t achieve them.
  • Relaxation: If you can’t take time out, you won’t achieve your goals! Your body and mind need to rest and recover so that you can come back to your life and business with renewed vigour. If relaxation isn’t a heading in your weekly schedule, add it now! You work, (whatever you do as a family member, stay at home Mum or Dad, salaried job, or own business) so that you can spend time with your friends and family. They won’t enjoy your company if you’re not relaxed will they?

I hope your stock counting goes as smoothly as mine did today, and your 3 R’s help you to work towards your personal and business/career goals.

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Transforming yourself – how do you know?

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As part of my work, I support many people. Mainly women, but some men who want help in supporting their partners. I’m also increasingly supporting a group of people who you may term as transgender, or transwomen. Biological men who become women through a long and difficult process of drug treatment and sometimes surgery.

This is not an area of expertise for me, and, as with all new areas of work that I come across, I always ask the individual what they know will happen during their treatment, so that we can plan the bras accordingly. This is quite difficult with transwomen as none of us know exactly how quickly the body will change.

One particular person I’m supporting has struggled to find information to help them with the whole life changing process. I’ve asked them to write some posts, like a diary that we’ll publish irregularly. This will not only help them see how far they’ve come along their journey, but may also help others trying to find information. Please do share this with others, and comment if you have information that will be helpful. This is the first part of their journey, with very limited editing of their own words. T-J

Well how to start, first was the feeling of being somewhat out of “place”, it has taken many years to realize that I was living very unhappily. After some chats with friends, I came to the realization I was not true to myself. Unhappy, trying to discover who I am, I knew there were things I just had to deal with in my life.

Being from a rural area in United States, the ideas of these kinds of course are very “hush hush” because of the life that is lived around here. I read enough information through searches on the internet that I knew I had to talk to someone (licensed therapist). As I was reading, I would print the information that I deemed sensible.

The information was related to hormone replacement therapy (HRT), surgeries, etc. I cannot say these have been easy to handle. Doctors, nurses, and clinics do not realize the emotions, hurt and struggles that I have been dealing with for years.  With the contact of a therapist over several weeks by email and a few phone calls, I felt comfortable enough to know she would be very helpful and would have to meet with them at some point.

I have now met with my therapist since 12-19-2011. The first session was about 2 hours but they are normally about 1 hour. I have realized that I had some other life issues to make better so I can move on with the real issues in my life. The sessions have been an eye opener for me. If someone had told me “one year ago I would be sharing my thoughts” I would have laughed at them. Surprisingly, I realize why I answer questions or react to situations now so much better than before because of how I was raised, my experiences to being raised on a farm, living in small to medium sized towns/cities nearby for over 20 years. I’ve realised that I am a transgendered person (transwoman).

I started searching the internet about the journey that I would be taking for many years. I kept asking myself, I am doing the right thing for me? Well having visited with a therapist in a nearby city, I know I am right where I should be in my life proceeding the way I am.. Researching the journey that I am on has taken more courage and soul searching than I knew I had. I have found articles written by transwoman whom have struggled and shared their journey with others.

I have made calls and emails to pharmacies and doctors to know if they can provide me with information such as costs for prescriptions, contact information for specialists such endocrinologists, psychologists. Most have been helpful but other seem to, I think, wonder if it is for real, and seem to decide that they will not help, will give an answer to you and say “ I will get back to you with more information” but that call back will never happen. I met with a nurse practioner to allow a referral to make to specialist when the time arises.

….end of part 1. Is this the most difficult part? Knowing that you need to change something in your life, or is it the next step? The journey itself?

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Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month – BEAT It

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March, you may have noticed, is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. My Mum died from this disease, so it’s about time I talked about it!

  • 1 in 50 women will develop ovarian cancer in their lifetime.
  • Ovarian cancer has the lowest survival rates of all the gynaecological cancers.
  • In the UK one woman dies every 2 hours from ovarian cancer.

But do you know what to look for? It’s NOT picked up by a smear test.

BEAT It

B is for bloating that does not come and go;

BEAT Ovarian Cancer with TEALE is for eating less and feeling fuller quicker;

A is for abdominal pain and

T is for telling your GP.

 

Teal is to ovarian cancer as pink is to breast cancer. The idea is that by wearing such a striking colour, women will start talking about the disease and BEAT ovarian cancer. You can buy Teal nail varnish & wear the colour this month. I’m going to – haven’t done it yet, but if I go out with teal nails people are bound to ask me why! Then I’ll be able to tell them!

What are you going to do to raise awareness of this cancer? I was lucky. We had 10 years with Mum after it was first diagnosed. Although, if caught early 70% of women will survive 5 years or more.

For more information and support for ovarian cancer:

Ovacome Charity

Ovarian Cancer Action

Target Ovarian Cancer

Eve Appeal – for gynaecological cancer

McMillan Cancer Support – Ovarian Cancer

WellBeing of Women

O-Very Campaign

Any I’ve missed, please let me know. Together we CAN BEAT cancer.

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8 years on he’s still my baby

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My youngest has just turned 8 years old. Nothing special, it happens everyday. But special to us. It also means that my business is almost at it’s 8th birthday too – just a couple more months before the germ of an idea took root before bras4mums was born.

I don’t know what you think about on your child’s birthday, but I always remember the labour & birth & the joy that both boys brought from their first minute of being in our world. The smiles and happiness of midwives, family & friends of meeting our little ones soon after their birth. And the joy they’ve brought since.

I know my Mum always said “you’ll always be my little girl”, and I guess I know now what that means. Even though I love watching my boys grow and develop and wonder at their skills, abilities and achievements, they will always be my “boys”. The children that were once a physical part of me, are now very much part of my everyday presence. The love I feel for them probably grows and changes. I was in awe at their birth, and I’m probably still amazed by what they can do. But they are still “just my boys”! I’m not too sure what I’ll feel when they’re taller than me! Not so much of the little I guess!

No.2 had a lovely birthday celebration with his friends at home. We had cuddles in bed whilst he opened his presents in the morning. We had a special birthday breakfast (the birthday person gets to choose what they want & the whole family shares together), and a meal out with grandparents. His birthday was special to us all.

My baby is growing up, and I’m delighted to be able to share his joy and his life.

And yes, it is a homemade chocolate birthday cake & it’s all gone!

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Valentines Day – Love is so bitter sweet

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Love is walking together through all lifes challenges

Valentines Day is so many things to each of us isn’t it? Love & mushy stuff for some. Lonely times for others. And so many happy memories, and shared experiences along the way.

I do like the fact that we celebrate LOVE tomorrow. We don’t love each other enough do we? And yes, it’s cute when our children make cards for their friends isn’t it?

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my husband asking me to marry him. I can still picture it all – the lovely meal he cooked. The wonderful wine we drank. Him on his knee. My tears, and our shared laughter and kisses. Such a happy day.

But it’s also my late Nan’s birthday.  She would have been 98 tomorrow, but she died a couple of weeks ago. 8 years ago we held a surprise family party for her 90th. I was 2 weeks away from giving birth, so she certainly didn’t expect to see us! My hospital bag, and my pregnancy notes were safe in the car, just in case. But no.2 was on time, so we had a wonderful family occasion. Just for Nan.

The 14th February is also my Aunt’s birthday. Tomorrow will be the first year of her 70+ that she’ll be celebrating without her mother being around. She’s not looking forward to it.

So whilst some of us celebrate time with our loved ones, remember those friends and relations with broken hearts – through death, or breakdown in relationships. Not everyone wants to hear about how many red roses you’ve received! (I get none by the way – “waste of money”, but I do hope for a shared meal).

Whilst we celebrate the day of LOVE, let us be sensitive to those we meet and speak to. Some of us are loving life, and remembering those we will always love. But there will be some tears of sadness too.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Happy New Year!

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Walking together

I’m so pleased January is finally over!

Anyone else had a tough first month to the year? Always difficult when you’re so fired up with resolutions, plans and expectation isn’t it?

Well, today, I’m putting January behind me, and moving forward. As much as it may help to reflect on some of the challenges that came my way in January, I’m not sure that will help me this time. Over the coming few weeks I may share some of the challenges. At the moment some are too raw and unresolved.

So, today, I’m declaring that 3rd February is my NEW YEAR! Yes, we’ve had our Chinese food to celebrate that festival. But today is different! So why today? 3rd February?

It’s my Mum’s birthday! She would have been 68 today. And as my birthday is at the end of January, (and I did have a good relaxing time & put the stresses to one side), February was always about my Mum, and now my second son too.

What would Mum have done in the circumstances I’ve found myself in? I think she’d have busied herself with her friends, activities and crafts. She’d have spoken to her closest friends and got support. She’d have carried on with life and taken everything in an “Oh well, we can’t help it” type of way. So, guess what I’ve been doing? Carrying on, speaking to HER friends as well as my own for support. I can’t think about it really as if she was here, then some of the things that have happended wouldn’t have, (if that makes sense?).

So, apologies for the slightly downbeat post – I know you always expect positivity & motivation from me! Well, sometimes, life happens. And it does affect us. We can’t hide from things that happen. But we do have to deal with them and carry on working towards our goals and living life to the full.

So, today is my New Year’s Day, and I’m so looking forward to the challenges and delights that 2012 are going to bring. Yes, there’s going to be more knocks along the way. But I sincerely hope that I’m strong enough and prepared to deal with them.

Keep looking after me Mum and sending me your love, strength and support. Without your guide I wouldn’t know the right way to go.

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